Tears They Fall
by BethyBoo97
Summary: Sandra's feelings begin to catch up with her, everything she's ever bottled up is catching up with her. What will she do? I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS
1. Chapter 1

Sandra sat in one of the cubicles in the met toilets; these were the times she allowed herself to cry, to allow the tears to fall. She couldn't take it anymore, bottling things up wasn't working anymore. It wasn't a good way to cope, but she'd done it all her life, it was the easy way out of everything. Now that bottle was full what was she supposed to do? How could she tell someone that she wasn't coping anymore, how could she say she just couldn't take things anymore.

As she sat crying she began to wonder what had gone wrong to push her over the edge. Nothing had happened recently but yet for some reason it was now she was beginning to break. Everything she'd chosen to ignore in the past, every feeling she chose to bottle up was all catching up with her, she had no idea what to do.

She sat there debating what to do, she just wanted someone there, someone who understood, and who she felt cared about her. Someone who wouldn't judge her. She couldn't think of anyone, this made the tears fall more she was alone. How was she supposed to go on like this?

She decided she'd now been long enough; she wiped the tears from her face and the black streaky lines that had appeared down her face. Now her make-up was fixed, it was time to get back into the office and hide behind a fake smile, behind a brave face and to just pretend. Pretending was something she was good at.

She made her way back into the office, being careful not to speak until she was calmer as she was sure if she spoke the tears would start falling yet again. She made her way into her own little private office and sat listening to the witty banter exchanged between the boys out in the main office. That was where she should be, that's what she should be doing. She couldn't help but wonder what the hell was wrong with her and why she was being what in her eyes was weak. Enough was enough, she was slightly calmer before but still broken, she had to just keep pretending and go join in the laughing, even though it was fake. She had to have something, something to keep her hanging on before she did anything she'd regret.

'Are you okay Sandra?' Jack asked slightly concerned at the fact she'd been cooped up in her own office all day.

'Never better Jack.' He nodded and turned back to his work, she was slightly upset he hadn't been able to see right through her. In one way it was what she'd wanted, she didn't want anyone to know how she was feeling, but on the other hand she was sure she wasn't that good at acting that she could pretend she was perfectly okay that well. It was just more proof to her no one cared enough to be bothered.

**Okay this is quite personal and took a lot to put this up but sdbubbles managed to persuade me. Because of how personal this is reviews really would be welcome. **

**Beth**


	2. Chapter 2

The boys carried on as normal and as much as she tried Sandra couldn't. She sat on the chair staring into space, only speaking when spoken to and even then giving as shorter answers as was possible.

When she looked at the clock she couldn't be gladder to see that it was 5. The only thing was she didn't want to be alone; she had no idea what she was capable of doing to herself, especially when feeling like this. But then she did want to be alone, just so she didn't have to cope with seeing anyone, so she could go home and wrap herself up and just try forget about reality.

"Sandra, are you okay?" Gerry asked as he hung back while Jack and Brian made their way down to the pub.

"Yeah, I'm just not feeling to good."

"So you coming to the pub?" Gerry asked her.

"Na, going for an early night."

He said goodnight and then he too left, he was just another one who couldn't see how broken she was or in her opinion didn't care enough to see.

She drove home as quickly as she could the thought of loosing herself in a bottle or two of wine the only thing keeping her going. She had no energy anymore, no drive. She wasn't herself anymore, she wasn't the strong, fair and however much she tried to cover it up, kind hearted person she always had been. Now she was a broken woman with no energy for anything who said very little for fear tears would fall if she spoke.

She wasn't what she considered normal anymore.

She sat wrapped up in her duvet, trying to bring some warmth back to herself, the lights were all of and it was pitch black outside. The thoughts going round her head made her brain hurt, the stress, the anger and sadness were all getting far too much. She sat wandering what she could do so that there'd be a rational explanation for all the hurt she was feeling. She looked down at her arm and in temporary moments of madness just scratched and scratched until there was blood spilling out of the newly made cuts, all over her clean duvet.

For a moment it made everything feel a bit better, finally there was a reason for the hurt. It didn't take long for that feeling to subside, leaving with a feeling of regret. The tears poured as she realised what she'd done and how alone she was. How down she was to even considering doing that to herself, let alone actually going ahead with it.

She finally accepted she needed someone, someone that would never let her down. As much as she wanted someone who would never hurt, she knew such person didn't exist. Giving the mood she was in even the smallest thing would send her into an angry rage, the smallest joke at her expense, or a tiny error. It didn't matter what, it drove her crazy.

"Sandra? What's up?" Gerry asked worriedly, she never rang him unless it was about work, and even Sandra tended not to work at half 10.

"I need you."

**Again, this is quite personal. Hope it was okay and thanks Sdbubbles for asking me to update it, I don't think I would of if you hadn't asked. Maybe more soon, haven't yet decided.**


	3. Chapter 3

He could hear the way her voice broke in the middle of the words 'I need you'. He'd known something was wrong, though yet again Sandra has pushed him away.

"I'm on my way round right now."

She sat down, the tears that had been threatening to fall for a while now doing just that. She had absolutely no idea why she'd rang Gerry. All she knew is she needed someone, but she didn't want to talk, she didn't want to feel judged.

Gerry stood on the doorstep as Sandra had just managed to pull herself out of bed to answer the door.

"Are you going to let me in?" she immediately stood to one side, leaving him enough room to enter. She'd made no attempt to clean herself up, the black sticky mess down her face proof of how much she'd been crying, she just hoped he wouldn't notice her arms. There wasn't much chance of that happening, her pyjamas had blood on them and the cuts were visible with the pyjamas she had on. She just wasn't thinking straight.

He looked her up and down, taking in all the details as evidence of how she was feeling because she so obviously was not going to tell him anything. His stare became fixed on her arms.

"Sandra...?" she looked up and saw him studying her arm. "This isn't what I think is it?" she just nodded, the tears threatened to fall again. She couldn't hold them back though, she sat on her sofa breaking down.

Gerry had no idea what to do, he'd never seen anyone like this before.

He reached out for her hand, she felt physically cold, she pulled away warily not knowing whether he was being genuine. He took her hand again and helped her to her feet. He had to help her up the stairs to her room, the crying and stress had taken any slither of energy she'd previously had.

He looked at her bed in shock at the blood covering her duvet too.

"Okay, we're getting you some clean pyjamas then you're coming to mine, where i can keep an eye on you. I'll help you clear up this in the morning. She shook her head, still not believing anyone could really care about her.

Hope this is okay and not to sad. Reviews welcome, the reviews I have had have meant a lot as this story is very personal to me.

Beth xx


	4. Chapter 4

"Okay then, i'm staying here with you." again she shook her head. "Sandra, I'm staying whether you like it or not. So you go put some clean pyjamas on and then we'll put some clean bedding on." she didn't say anything but she did close the door as she got changed. Gerry wandered about outside her bedroom door, how the hell had he let her get into this state without noticing. Was she that good at hiding things? Or was he just no paying enough attention?

"Okay. Where do you keep your bedding?" he asked as she came out of her bedroom. She walked over to the cupboard and got out a pile of silk bedding. Gerry walked closer to her and took the pile before ordering her to go eat something.

He walked downstairs to find her sitting staring into space.

"Okay Sandra." he began as he sat down next to her. "You really are worrying me. So can you please tell me what's up?" she looked up and saw pure worry and care in his eyes.

"I... Do...n't know." Sandra told him as she tried to keep it together.

Suddenly Gerry got up and walked to the kitchens grabbing a bowl of water, a tube of savlon he found in a cupboard and some bandages.

As he washed Sandra's arm she spoke. "You won't tell anyone will you, about well, you know what?"

"Of course I won't Sandra, you didn't even need to ask that."

Soon he'd finished with her arms and they were all bandaged up.

"Bed time for you Sandra."

"Gerry I'm not 7."

"You need an early night, I'll be on the sofa if you need me." she walked up the stairs before feeling bad and walking back down.

"You can come into my bed if you want." he looked at her in shock. "I mean, I feel bad you being on the sofa while I'm in a warm bed after everything you've done tonight. But don't try anything funny."

She'd finally accepted he cared.

Hope it's okay. Thanks for all reviewers and readers!

Beth xx


	5. Chapter 5

"I wouldn't dare Sandra." He walked up to her room with her, it was clear to see just how hurt she was, the look of sadness in her eyes was almost to hard for him to cope with but he had to remain strong for her. It was getting late and she'd taken all her make-up off by this point, the pain was clear.

Her face was ghostly colour of pale, while her normally bright sparkly eyes looked dull and sunken. The tears in her eyes were unmistakable but they weren't spilling out of her eyes. Her hair was up in a messy bun like she just wasn't bothered anymore.

"Sandra, you can tell me anything you know." She looked at Gerry and gave him a smile, it wasn't a proper one. With the mood in the she wasn't capable of properly smiling but the fake one plastered slightly across her face proved she was trying.

"Come on, get into bed." She did as she was told, it seemed like she'd just given up. There was no fight left in her. This worried Gerry, he had a fear of just how low she was feeling but was scared of asking for fear of the answer. But she knew he was there for her, he'd told her so.

Gerry got into the bed next to her and his actions took him by surprise. She rolled over and faced him and then moved herself closer to him. She was desperate to feel some warmth, to feel a positive feeling most of all though she just needed to be with someone, to be near them, to feel like someone cared. To feel like she was important to someone and not as useless as she felt.

"Thank you." She whispered as she just lay there with her eyes closed, pretending to be asleep so Gerry would go to sleep. She felt bad for letting herself be like this around him. What was he going to think of her? But most of all she felt bad for bringing him down with her mood and relying on him to help her. She felt selfish. She was scared he'd leave her and then she really would be alone.

Once she had made sure Gerry was sound asleep she got up out of bed and walked down the stairs. She wasn't entirely sure what she was doing but being in bed trying to sleep was not helping in the slightest, in fact it was making things worse. It gave her time to think, she didn't want to think. She sat on the floor not knowing what to do and now she was alone she let the tears flow.

"Sandra? What are you doing?" Gerry asked from behind her, which scared her. She turned to face him, the fact she'd been crying just a second before quite evident from the reddy colour of her face. "What's wrong?" Gerry asked.

"Nothing, I'm fine, I'm just tired." Sandra replied trying to keep her voice steady so he couldn't tell that she was lying to him. She'd told him this quite simply because it was the easiest things she could say that seemed even slightly believable.

"I don't believe you. Tell me the truth." Now she knew he cared and that he'd never leave her. Normally people accepted her story because she felt they weren't bothered about the truth. Now she'd found someone who was bothered, he was going to help her no matter what she did or how bad she felt about it. He was there.

**Again this is possibly the end, I haven't decided yet. Please review this story as it's been hard to write as it's quite personal. I'd like to thank everyone who's read this and reviewed, it means a lot.**

**Beth xx**


	6. Chapter 6

Now this was the moment she had to pour her heart out and tell him how she was feeling.

"I can't do this anymore."

"Do what Sandra?" Gerry asked as he wiped the tears falling from her eyes.

"Be me, none of this is worth it. I need to stop feeling this way. I don't want to live." She looked down as she spoke the last few words so she couldn't see the shock across his face.

"You're not going anywhere Sandra, I won't let you. You're strong, you can get through this and I'm not going anywhere, I'll be here every step of the way holding your hand. I'm not going to pretend it's going to be easy but you'll get there I promise."

"I don't know Gerry, I don't think I can do it. I feel so broken."

"Then let me fix you, let me help you through. Explain to me what this is like."

"Well, everyday is a struggle and no one understands and no one is there for support, I feel alone. The past haunts me, I can't get over any of the lies my dad told and through all of it I still miss him. It's a constant fight just to get through a day, my heads sore from all the mess there, I can't think straight. My chest hurts and always feels tight, there's an aching feeling in my stomach but that's not even the worst. What's worse is the numbness, the inability to feel anything, positive or negative, the being alive but not feeling it." She couldn't believe that she was sat on the floor in her living room explaining to Gerry how this deep depression felt.

"Why did you never tell anyone?"

"It isn't easy Gerry. At first I was ashamed, I'm meant to be the strong one…"

"Even strong people having a breaking point." Gerry interrupted.  
"Well I didn't see it like that., but even when I began seeing it like that I just couldn't. I didn't feel any of you cared and that if you did you'd have noticed how down I was. I also didn't want to feel judged or knowing someone else knew a lot about me and they could hold it against me."

"And you think I'd do that?"

"No Gerry but I wasn't going to take any chances, I can't let myself get hurt that easy. I can't cope with anymore hurt."

"I know Sandra, I know." Apart from he couldn't possibly now how this felt in her opinion, nothing ever seemed to bother him too much but now she was sat on the floor in front of him, pouring out her heart while he watched her shattering and want to give up. Now though she had him, he knew how she felt even if he didn't understand and it was him who had vowed to put all the pieces back together no matter how long or what it took.

**THE END!**

**I hope this was okay, I'd like to say thanks for all the reviews as it's been a hard, emotional, personal fic to write but if ever someone with depression needs you don't leave them, all you need to do is be there. **

**Beth xx**


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